i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
