we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
it glows. i had to have it.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
