genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You did what with his pubic hair?
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