And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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