He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
