Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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