Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
