I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
