Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
