That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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