My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
