we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
nutella sex= disaster
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
