I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
