Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
