Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
