I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
