discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
