I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
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