i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
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Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
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Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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