I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
