I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
