Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
