I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
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Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
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Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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