They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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