you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
found the other keg... it's in the tree
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
