If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
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