My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
