Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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