Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
