I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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