She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
