dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize