when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
