got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My ass is underappreciated
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
