Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
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The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
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The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
did i just pee glitter
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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