So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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