She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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