his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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