dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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