I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
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I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
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If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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