i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
