Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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