just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
