What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
