Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
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dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
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if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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