i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
