wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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