I am spending my child support on dildos
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
