The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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