Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
