I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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