Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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