i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
