I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
