Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
